3 years later, 100 years older

 Yupp, lot has happened since last time, 3 years since I wrote but for me it feels like in a blink of an eye. Time goes so fast these days, and there is none to waste but really I feel like I´m wasting my time a lot, struggling to find a job, the feeling of not being enough, as a parent, as a girlfriend, and trying to relax in between and actually enjoy life. But as I mostly write in my diary, I´m just tired, tired of being unemployed, and trying to find my way to a place where I just can feel at home. I can´t help myself going in the wrong direction all the time, but I´ve been trying them all. Okay, maybe not all. 

Right now I´m mostly focusing on just keep writing in my diary, I started some of my own projects before having my son Melker, but they are right now they are at rest. I don´t really know why, but I haven´t felt like writing about this or that, I don´t feel superinspired these days. I wish I could write about anything, that´s a good writer, who can come up a good story about pretty much anything. I´m definitely not there. 

I guess, having a son has been more lifechanging then ever, I promised myself to not limit myself just because I´m a parent but that´s  exactly what I had to do. After having my son I was exhausted, I slept bad and was worried to my guts that I was gonna end up in a deep depression. Luckily, it didn´t happen, even if I feel like I´m never gonna have the energy I had before, but maybe that´s because right now I have a 2 yrs old and I´ve been running on low battery for quite a time. I need to start being smart when it comes to rest, and I´m not really there yet. 

I still dream about doing writing, but not really doing it. Dreaming about travelling again and finding some new strength and inspiration. The days here are kind of the same, even if I met some cool new people. Sure, corona had it´s time, meeting people alike. Or am I just a dreamer who never will be fully satisfied, that is a problem, but I´ve been at home now for 2 yrs so excuse me for going a bit crazy and bored. 

My baby just turned 6 years!

Sure, Billie is a cat but unlike any cat and so special. She is more like a dog, following me around and she always has a twinkle in her eyes. So this post is dedicated to her.

Weirdly enough my boyfriends phone made this video the other week, like if it had a seventh sense that her birthday was coming right up. Got this video on a day when I was down, and it always lifts my mood right up. Hope you enjoy it!

There is something in the wind..

I can feel it blowing in, let´s hope it´s change because right now all the politics are just struggling for power, instead of looking at the actual problems in the society.

There are a lot of people, not happy, voting for the extreme right, guess that just need to be counted in, and not blind us. Just like them people who complains about long cues in health care, and the only thing the politics are doing is confirming the problems, instead of coming up with solutions. It´s really sad how these, mostly old man, can just look back and see how good sweden was before, and blame each other for how it is today. Instead of actually collaborating together. It´s so childish everything, and it makes you feel hopeless. How we pay the highest taxes in europe, pretty much their salaries, and still nothing happens. I wish there were more transparency, but instead of transperency they are just keeping it quite. I understand why the party that screams loudest, the extreme left, gets votes, because at least they make some noice. The other ones are just lame, not wanting to discuss the problems.

Had quite a interesting discussion with my friends, and how the political system in sweden fails. Fails on everyone. Sure, as they say we have it pretty good looking at the hard currency, but what about them soft ones? what about the structures in health care, school and everything that is suppose to make a steady ground for every taxpayer?

You can see it everywhere, especially in the health care and school, but you can also see all the people tired of this game by the politics, not doing their job. This system is not gonna last, and I hope it changes before we crash completely.

I only wish for us swedes to scream to louder, to keep showing our disapproval of how everything goes, and coming with our own solutions. Because right now it seems like the only way to go. Therefore I applaud everyone who go their own way, instead of just showing their disapproval, actually taking initiatives to make a better Sweden.

And to light everyone after this week, waiting for the election, waiting for nothing, waiting for the weekend to just relax and dodge everything goin on.

The meaning of freedom

Freedom has a quite wide meaning, and changes to whom you are talking to. Some might think that it is to have your own money, not paying millions in taxes as we do here in Sweden, other people think it is the right to speak your mind, and other just to have the basic needs covered, to be able to be a part of your country.

For me it's the last, to have my basic needs covered (school, healthcare that works) but also the right to speak my mind. If there were no system to support you when you´re in trouble, probably many of us would end up in alienation, which we still do sometimes and the system only picks up some pieces of you. It´s up to us to use it, but also support it!

Yes, I´m quite leftie in this way, and thinking about freedom in this election is quite interesting. This because in sweden we have a system that supports those who need it, but no fully always. This because the right winged parties changed it to a system where you are forced to take care of yourself, and I don´t believe in this. I don´t believe in forcing people out, I don´t believe in taking care of yourself when you´re in a vulnerable place since I have been there.

Imagine, you´re sitting on needles while there are bureaucracy (in this case the Swedish social insurance agency) deciding whether your suppose to get some help or not, poked by people around because you can't take care of yourself. It makes me think about us scarely close to wild anmials, picking on the weakest, letting them degrate. It makes me wanna puke, and it´s going on everywhere, because we are only thinking about ourselves. ´I wan't to succeed, I want money, power, glory!´

But in exchange for what? When you´re old you probably rethink you´re choices, when you´re in a need for help, just like you did when you had a change-of-heart and go for a society where everything should be own by capitalists, just so you can have a bigger paycheck.

My little runaway

Okay, jumped over some chapters since they are way to sensitive to me. And probably has to be rewritten just like everything else.

Ch 4 My little runaway to happy nation

After finishing school I had contact with doctors that wanted to put me on meds, and pretty much fall asleep, because that is how it feels to take medicine. You don't feel alive anymore, you're in a deep daze, in the mud and everything goes so slow. This is not how I wanted to start my life after finishing school. So, I understand you mother, why you never wanted to take meds or even talk to doctors, but if you exaggerate you might get help, however, I understand if you don´t have the energy. I didn't  have the energy either, though, I said that I felt like shit since I was little, had thoughts about death and really wanted to talk to someone. I got someone to talk to, thearpy on the internet, which was totally worthless.

I grabbed my things and left Umeå fast, to a place where I could dream and be free from prejudices which had be hunting me for quite a while. You have mental illness in your family, so you're probably ill too. Here, take a pill, doctors said. But where the fuck were you doctors when I was young when I really needed you? You were at my place, still you couldn't see us. It felt like I was leaving a robotsociety behind me.

Barcelona came to be my first hometown, and big love, my thoughts and my soul. I got rid of my aggressions fast, now I did't have to do with Umeå, stupid dudes or doctors that didn't understand anything. I didn't have to have contact with my family, but the contact with my family actually got better weirdly enough. Though, everything that went down in Barcelona I didn't tell my folks at home, because then I would worry them indefinitive. Since I'm impulsive I often ended up in dangerous situations, which I withdrawed from just as fast, because what was my life worth?

I still had these thoughts that were following me, good old thoughts that I took the bottle to help me with. In this place I knew that they weren't real, my friends and the atmosphere here in Barcelona was. Now I´m 19 years old, and more bold then ever. I had nothing that kept me down, suffocating me and no prejudices following me, because here everything was allowed and there was no hush-hush. If you felt bad, felt anxiety you could say it. Finally there were people around me who was listening.

First three monthts there didn't go one day without a party or other fun stuff, or we just layed there in the sun, listening to the music in the streets. I miss it here in Umeå, sometimes it happens, but no one really stops to listen. This was 2008 and before the whole criss in Europe because Barcelona has changed after that like many other cities. Today it is a bit more regulated, and more aggressions among people. Still a lot more free then in any city in Sweden. Still, I missed my friends back home, and went home during christmas. I stayed for 3 years in Barcelona, then I moved to Mexico, and travelled Honduras, as far as I could get from Sweden. Because there were no humanity or understanding there, now I was finally in countries where we could see each other for the first time, and give each other a helping hand.

I had no breaks in life, it was on, I was working, learning spanish, partyed a bit less because now I've found my way back to my old interest, music and art. I ended up in a company of artists, and worked my way with them, smoking joints and listening to good old Madonnas and talked about life. We went to concerts, met people from everywhere, people I still have contact with. These people enriched me in many ways, I got a hold of new ways to see the world, though I was still sad deep inside. I felt for the first time in a long time some happiness, met a guy, an artist, that made me feel special. Later I realized I was someone else muse, and I was tired to be somebodys, I wanted to go my own way. Even though I still had my problems I could dream big again, I wanted to write, and create. Thanks to my inspiring friends around me. I had finally found the right place, even though I was going off track sometimes. I could handle myself, til one night. I got kicked down by two men who stole not just my purse, but my boldness. I was never myself after that. Now everything just got black, liked I'd feared for when I was young.

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Spinning in ma head

CH 1) Spinning in ma head

I have always embraced life since I was little, sometimes more and sometimes less. Though, there were some moments I didn´t wanna live anymore. When I felt I just wanted to jump out of the window and hope for a stone to crack my head fast. I was cracked anyways, and I had so little to compare with since I was only 10 yrs old. How could I in these moments think about all the fun times with my family? Mhm, lovely memories, there were few but everything came to fall apart just as quickly.

This is kind of how life works -you build, you build, you fall, you fall. Next time maybe you get a step further but you don´t really notice because of everything else. For a while I even liked feeling melancholic, can even do so today but sometimes I need a break. Or else it eats me up right inside. Especially these days when you see how happy everyone else is on instagram, facebook, everywhere. But believe me, most of us fall apart. That is how we evolve, get stronger and can face obstacles. Sometimes it feels like you are jumping everywhere trying to avoid ditches, or like the time stands still. Then it hits you really hard because it goes so fast. I wonder if this is how my mum has felt when she went in and out from the hospital. Tick, from the hospital, tock, to the job, tick, back to reality, tock. But a lot more intensive. I´ve always wondered how her world looks like when she is not herself.

Mine is more grey, everything feels boring, and people hard to handle. I have experienced to long harsh depression, during winter, the darkest time of the year, when everything stands still in my head at day, and my thoughts are spinning during the night. However, my time with my cat always felt like a safe spot, warm, and like the home I walways wished for when I was young. Often I wrote that my cat was my only friend. In that moment I probably felt so since my dad was busy with my mum and my sister were everywhere in the world. The music helped a bit, it´s like a timemachine and can bring me back to old memories and just like that, bring me back. Though, there are many that doesn´t listen to music (never really understood how it´s possible), or has any interest at all to hide themself in. Or just lost them in the way, I´ve experience that since you don´t always have the energy to keep up.

***

Dunno if I wanna keep up writing about this here, we´ll see.

Lost memories

This is just a draft for a book I´m still gathering a lot of energy to write. It´s some of the most darkest moments in my life. This is just the intro, and i´t doesn´t give away so much. It just give a glimpse of what I´ve been looking for, in lost memories. It´s written in swedish though, thought I need to practice my swedish, and everything becomes more real since it´s my origin.

I don´t have many memories about my mother, mostly about my father, but not very much at all from my childhood, maybe I´ve partyed away most of them. I´ve tried to leave no stone unturned, tie every knot together but everytime there are loose ends. Lost memories that I´ve never really understood, not much today either. Why did she do so? Why did they do so? Why no one wants to help?

I was angry for a long time, angry because mental illness was every where I turned. Angry at my mother, angry at my father, my siblings, my whole family, even the society. After a while I started realizing that it was something that is amongst us and it´s something I can´t avoid or choose not to be a part of. Then I need to avoid myself, my feelings and my whole youth. I would throw everything at sea, and start over. But it´s not possible, because it´s still there and it hurts, and it´s a part of me. Then I need to throw myself to the sea, and hope that I will sink to the bottom, because I´m tired of floating around in insecureness, not having anyone to share with.

For a long time I´ve been wanting to write this to you. It´s not a goodbye letter, it´s a embracing letter for you whom never really got everything straighten out. For you who stand up for the week, who tries to understand, even though it´s hard when everything comes around. Especially when you are small or just feel small in this world. I did that for a long time, when I was mad about pretty much everything around me. When I could feel no joy about things that normally feels like a bless, music, family and friends.

Now I´m having a rest, underneath these heavy stone which I´ve been carrying. I´m not asking for anyone to understand, all I´m asking for is forgiveness. Because that is what I think is missing right now in this cold place. I´m asking to be relased, to find a sancuarity within me.

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