3 years later, 100 years older

 Yupp, lot has happened since last time, 3 years since I wrote but for me it feels like in a blink of an eye. Time goes so fast these days, and there is none to waste but really I feel like I´m wasting my time a lot, struggling to find a job, the feeling of not being enough, as a parent, as a girlfriend, and trying to relax in between and actually enjoy life. But as I mostly write in my diary, I´m just tired, tired of being unemployed, and trying to find my way to a place where I just can feel at home. I can´t help myself going in the wrong direction all the time, but I´ve been trying them all. Okay, maybe not all. 

Right now I´m mostly focusing on just keep writing in my diary, I started some of my own projects before having my son Melker, but they are right now they are at rest. I don´t really know why, but I haven´t felt like writing about this or that, I don´t feel superinspired these days. I wish I could write about anything, that´s a good writer, who can come up a good story about pretty much anything. I´m definitely not there. 

I guess, having a son has been more lifechanging then ever, I promised myself to not limit myself just because I´m a parent but that´s  exactly what I had to do. After having my son I was exhausted, I slept bad and was worried to my guts that I was gonna end up in a deep depression. Luckily, it didn´t happen, even if I feel like I´m never gonna have the energy I had before, but maybe that´s because right now I have a 2 yrs old and I´ve been running on low battery for quite a time. I need to start being smart when it comes to rest, and I´m not really there yet. 

I still dream about doing writing, but not really doing it. Dreaming about travelling again and finding some new strength and inspiration. The days here are kind of the same, even if I met some cool new people. Sure, corona had it´s time, meeting people alike. Or am I just a dreamer who never will be fully satisfied, that is a problem, but I´ve been at home now for 2 yrs so excuse me for going a bit crazy and bored. 

My baby just turned 6 years!

Sure, Billie is a cat but unlike any cat and so special. She is more like a dog, following me around and she always has a twinkle in her eyes. So this post is dedicated to her.

Weirdly enough my boyfriends phone made this video the other week, like if it had a seventh sense that her birthday was coming right up. Got this video on a day when I was down, and it always lifts my mood right up. Hope you enjoy it!

There is something in the wind..

I can feel it blowing in, let´s hope it´s change because right now all the politics are just struggling for power, instead of looking at the actual problems in the society.

There are a lot of people, not happy, voting for the extreme right, guess that just need to be counted in, and not blind us. Just like them people who complains about long cues in health care, and the only thing the politics are doing is confirming the problems, instead of coming up with solutions. It´s really sad how these, mostly old man, can just look back and see how good sweden was before, and blame each other for how it is today. Instead of actually collaborating together. It´s so childish everything, and it makes you feel hopeless. How we pay the highest taxes in europe, pretty much their salaries, and still nothing happens. I wish there were more transparency, but instead of transperency they are just keeping it quite. I understand why the party that screams loudest, the extreme left, gets votes, because at least they make some noice. The other ones are just lame, not wanting to discuss the problems.

Had quite a interesting discussion with my friends, and how the political system in sweden fails. Fails on everyone. Sure, as they say we have it pretty good looking at the hard currency, but what about them soft ones? what about the structures in health care, school and everything that is suppose to make a steady ground for every taxpayer?

You can see it everywhere, especially in the health care and school, but you can also see all the people tired of this game by the politics, not doing their job. This system is not gonna last, and I hope it changes before we crash completely.

I only wish for us swedes to scream to louder, to keep showing our disapproval of how everything goes, and coming with our own solutions. Because right now it seems like the only way to go. Therefore I applaud everyone who go their own way, instead of just showing their disapproval, actually taking initiatives to make a better Sweden.

And to light everyone after this week, waiting for the election, waiting for nothing, waiting for the weekend to just relax and dodge everything goin on.

The meaning of freedom

Freedom has a quite wide meaning, and changes to whom you are talking to. Some might think that it is to have your own money, not paying millions in taxes as we do here in Sweden, other people think it is the right to speak your mind, and other just to have the basic needs covered, to be able to be a part of your country.

For me it's the last, to have my basic needs covered (school, healthcare that works) but also the right to speak my mind. If there were no system to support you when you´re in trouble, probably many of us would end up in alienation, which we still do sometimes and the system only picks up some pieces of you. It´s up to us to use it, but also support it!

Yes, I´m quite leftie in this way, and thinking about freedom in this election is quite interesting. This because in sweden we have a system that supports those who need it, but no fully always. This because the right winged parties changed it to a system where you are forced to take care of yourself, and I don´t believe in this. I don´t believe in forcing people out, I don´t believe in taking care of yourself when you´re in a vulnerable place since I have been there.

Imagine, you´re sitting on needles while there are bureaucracy (in this case the Swedish social insurance agency) deciding whether your suppose to get some help or not, poked by people around because you can't take care of yourself. It makes me think about us scarely close to wild anmials, picking on the weakest, letting them degrate. It makes me wanna puke, and it´s going on everywhere, because we are only thinking about ourselves. ´I wan't to succeed, I want money, power, glory!´

But in exchange for what? When you´re old you probably rethink you´re choices, when you´re in a need for help, just like you did when you had a change-of-heart and go for a society where everything should be own by capitalists, just so you can have a bigger paycheck.

My little runaway

Okay, jumped over some chapters since they are way to sensitive to me. And probably has to be rewritten just like everything else.

Ch 4 My little runaway to happy nation

After finishing school I had contact with doctors that wanted to put me on meds, and pretty much fall asleep, because that is how it feels to take medicine. You don't feel alive anymore, you're in a deep daze, in the mud and everything goes so slow. This is not how I wanted to start my life after finishing school. So, I understand you mother, why you never wanted to take meds or even talk to doctors, but if you exaggerate you might get help, however, I understand if you don´t have the energy. I didn't  have the energy either, though, I said that I felt like shit since I was little, had thoughts about death and really wanted to talk to someone. I got someone to talk to, thearpy on the internet, which was totally worthless.

I grabbed my things and left Umeå fast, to a place where I could dream and be free from prejudices which had be hunting me for quite a while. You have mental illness in your family, so you're probably ill too. Here, take a pill, doctors said. But where the fuck were you doctors when I was young when I really needed you? You were at my place, still you couldn't see us. It felt like I was leaving a robotsociety behind me.

Barcelona came to be my first hometown, and big love, my thoughts and my soul. I got rid of my aggressions fast, now I did't have to do with Umeå, stupid dudes or doctors that didn't understand anything. I didn't have to have contact with my family, but the contact with my family actually got better weirdly enough. Though, everything that went down in Barcelona I didn't tell my folks at home, because then I would worry them indefinitive. Since I'm impulsive I often ended up in dangerous situations, which I withdrawed from just as fast, because what was my life worth?

I still had these thoughts that were following me, good old thoughts that I took the bottle to help me with. In this place I knew that they weren't real, my friends and the atmosphere here in Barcelona was. Now I´m 19 years old, and more bold then ever. I had nothing that kept me down, suffocating me and no prejudices following me, because here everything was allowed and there was no hush-hush. If you felt bad, felt anxiety you could say it. Finally there were people around me who was listening.

First three monthts there didn't go one day without a party or other fun stuff, or we just layed there in the sun, listening to the music in the streets. I miss it here in Umeå, sometimes it happens, but no one really stops to listen. This was 2008 and before the whole criss in Europe because Barcelona has changed after that like many other cities. Today it is a bit more regulated, and more aggressions among people. Still a lot more free then in any city in Sweden. Still, I missed my friends back home, and went home during christmas. I stayed for 3 years in Barcelona, then I moved to Mexico, and travelled Honduras, as far as I could get from Sweden. Because there were no humanity or understanding there, now I was finally in countries where we could see each other for the first time, and give each other a helping hand.

I had no breaks in life, it was on, I was working, learning spanish, partyed a bit less because now I've found my way back to my old interest, music and art. I ended up in a company of artists, and worked my way with them, smoking joints and listening to good old Madonnas and talked about life. We went to concerts, met people from everywhere, people I still have contact with. These people enriched me in many ways, I got a hold of new ways to see the world, though I was still sad deep inside. I felt for the first time in a long time some happiness, met a guy, an artist, that made me feel special. Later I realized I was someone else muse, and I was tired to be somebodys, I wanted to go my own way. Even though I still had my problems I could dream big again, I wanted to write, and create. Thanks to my inspiring friends around me. I had finally found the right place, even though I was going off track sometimes. I could handle myself, til one night. I got kicked down by two men who stole not just my purse, but my boldness. I was never myself after that. Now everything just got black, liked I'd feared for when I was young.

***

Spinning in ma head

CH 1) Spinning in ma head

I have always embraced life since I was little, sometimes more and sometimes less. Though, there were some moments I didn´t wanna live anymore. When I felt I just wanted to jump out of the window and hope for a stone to crack my head fast. I was cracked anyways, and I had so little to compare with since I was only 10 yrs old. How could I in these moments think about all the fun times with my family? Mhm, lovely memories, there were few but everything came to fall apart just as quickly.

This is kind of how life works -you build, you build, you fall, you fall. Next time maybe you get a step further but you don´t really notice because of everything else. For a while I even liked feeling melancholic, can even do so today but sometimes I need a break. Or else it eats me up right inside. Especially these days when you see how happy everyone else is on instagram, facebook, everywhere. But believe me, most of us fall apart. That is how we evolve, get stronger and can face obstacles. Sometimes it feels like you are jumping everywhere trying to avoid ditches, or like the time stands still. Then it hits you really hard because it goes so fast. I wonder if this is how my mum has felt when she went in and out from the hospital. Tick, from the hospital, tock, to the job, tick, back to reality, tock. But a lot more intensive. I´ve always wondered how her world looks like when she is not herself.

Mine is more grey, everything feels boring, and people hard to handle. I have experienced to long harsh depression, during winter, the darkest time of the year, when everything stands still in my head at day, and my thoughts are spinning during the night. However, my time with my cat always felt like a safe spot, warm, and like the home I walways wished for when I was young. Often I wrote that my cat was my only friend. In that moment I probably felt so since my dad was busy with my mum and my sister were everywhere in the world. The music helped a bit, it´s like a timemachine and can bring me back to old memories and just like that, bring me back. Though, there are many that doesn´t listen to music (never really understood how it´s possible), or has any interest at all to hide themself in. Or just lost them in the way, I´ve experience that since you don´t always have the energy to keep up.

***

Dunno if I wanna keep up writing about this here, we´ll see.

Lost memories

This is just a draft for a book I´m still gathering a lot of energy to write. It´s some of the most darkest moments in my life. This is just the intro, and i´t doesn´t give away so much. It just give a glimpse of what I´ve been looking for, in lost memories. It´s written in swedish though, thought I need to practice my swedish, and everything becomes more real since it´s my origin.

I don´t have many memories about my mother, mostly about my father, but not very much at all from my childhood, maybe I´ve partyed away most of them. I´ve tried to leave no stone unturned, tie every knot together but everytime there are loose ends. Lost memories that I´ve never really understood, not much today either. Why did she do so? Why did they do so? Why no one wants to help?

I was angry for a long time, angry because mental illness was every where I turned. Angry at my mother, angry at my father, my siblings, my whole family, even the society. After a while I started realizing that it was something that is amongst us and it´s something I can´t avoid or choose not to be a part of. Then I need to avoid myself, my feelings and my whole youth. I would throw everything at sea, and start over. But it´s not possible, because it´s still there and it hurts, and it´s a part of me. Then I need to throw myself to the sea, and hope that I will sink to the bottom, because I´m tired of floating around in insecureness, not having anyone to share with.

For a long time I´ve been wanting to write this to you. It´s not a goodbye letter, it´s a embracing letter for you whom never really got everything straighten out. For you who stand up for the week, who tries to understand, even though it´s hard when everything comes around. Especially when you are small or just feel small in this world. I did that for a long time, when I was mad about pretty much everything around me. When I could feel no joy about things that normally feels like a bless, music, family and friends.

Now I´m having a rest, underneath these heavy stone which I´ve been carrying. I´m not asking for anyone to understand, all I´m asking for is forgiveness. Because that is what I think is missing right now in this cold place. I´m asking to be relased, to find a sancuarity within me.

***

Sleepless in Umeå

Many years ago I was sleepless in Barcelona but it didn't really matter cause it was so accepted to take a nap. Here in Umeå you are suppose to work your 8 h shift, come home, go do your excercise or whatever til it's bedtime. I can´t do that, without a nap during the day. Now when I´m older I´m even more depended on feeling fully rested, and if I don´t I go into a depression. That´s common, starting with bad sleeping habits.

I´ve been trying a lot of things, not exercising less then three hours before sleep, reading instead of watching TV or smartphone. Keeping my routines, always going to sleep about 10 oclock and waking up at the same time. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn´t.

Last night I watched a interesting documentary about sleeping habits with working shifts. Working shift, and at night actually reduces your abilitity to regulate bloodsugar and increases the risk for diabetes. They did many scientific experiments where they induced glucose in nightshift worker when they were working night and not fully rested, and when they were off and fully rested. It showed that when they were fully rested it took a lot less time for the body to manage the glucose then when they had been working night. Because when you work night you usually only sleep 6 h effective time.

You are also suppose to reduce your time in bed, this means instead of lying in the bed trying to fall asleep for hours you should get up and wait til you feel sleepy, the same in the morning. And always keeping a track of your routines, always waking up the same time in the morning. No matter how late you go to sleep, instead of hunting hours of sleep because it creates a inner stress.

It was also bringing up a lot about sleeping pills, that it gives a synthetic sleep that helps in shortterm whilest congnitive theraphy was helping more in the long run. Kind of the same when it comes to depression, medicine helps in short term, but if you wanna live a life without medication you have to work your problems in other ways.

This documentary was mostly interesting about the sleep and it´s relation to depression, how insomnia usually escalate to depression and other pains and how you can handle it. Because insomnia is something many middle age women suffer from, working their problems through during the night, keeping them up all night.

So gonna keep my routines, exercise and have one hour of relaxation before going to sleep. It´s not easy, especially when it´s dark most time of the year here, but I can always try.

What else is there?

Note: This is dark me so if you are in a great place today read it some other day, when you feel lost or down. Not that I'm in that place today, but it still pops up when I least expect it.

"What else is there" by Royksopp I listened a lot to when I just got back from Barcelona, and it felt like every streetlight in Umeå was crumbling inside shedding some few lights over everything, like there was no sympathy, that Umeå though it´s gorgeous surroundings was a cold enviroment. No one really said thanks or could forgive easily, or just lifting their gaze to people around them. Thinking one step further.

Old friends had moved on and had no interest, or small interest to hang out and just had you for a while to throw you away in a while, after you given everything trying to build up the relationsships again. After a while nothing really mattered, I realized, because I was happy to have my family and sisters to hang out with til I found myself back to a nice crew to hang out with again.

Quite lifechanging, because you think you´ll get back and things will be the same, not the same, a bit different, but that some of you´re friends were true. They were in it for some fun, just like em boys, and leave. You thought friends will stick around, but it´s just as any elusive love when you were young, sticky and demanding. Sure, there were some that still sticked around, but I was so filled of disappointment I couldn´t really take anything in besides the beautiful surroundings in Umeå.

Still missing some of those friends, though they left me, probably for some good reasons, and I´m today okay with it. There are other things that are bothering my mind that is triggered by this song right now, more about our planet, how we harvest what we think we own and is a right for us, like imbeciles. I'm trying my best in my daily life, guess that´s is just enough. And I can go home and feel satisfied at least for my actions, though I did many bad ones once.

Lighthouses in Gotland

I learned so much about em lighthouses, in Gotland. It was so fascinating hearing about stories about them and the people who used to live there, and their lifes in such a isolated place. I mean, I also felt isolated in the way that there were no signal, and no way to get in touch with the outer world. And to be so connected with the outer world, and not being able to be conncted was a real frustration. After a while a started questioning my frustration, and finally I forgot about it, how can you not with these amazing views? Guess its all about adapting.

The lighthouses we visited was the one in southern Gotland in Hoburg, and the one at Stora Karls ö. Now every time I see a flickering light in the night that reminds me about a lighthouse I wonder which one it is because every one has their certain light signal, everyone has their own history, of harsh work in isolated places, their own communities. Most of them are now electrified, and some are out of use because of GPS (though they dont work since there are places with no signal, like in Gotland). Lets hope the ones who still stand will show their light for many more years, reminding of the past and guidning us in our paths.

Countryroad take us home. Djupvik, Gotland, 2018-08-01.

 Lighthouse, Hoburg, 2018-08-02.

Lighthouse, Stora Karls ö, Gotland, 2018-08-04.

Me tryin for a kiss in the sunset, Djupvik, 2018-08-01.

Feels like 17th century

Had my first week of vacation, but instead of enjoying it I had the worst pains ever in my stomach and heavy bleeding, feeling sick to my stomach.

Still have stomach pains and since there are pretty much no staff in the health care no one could really help me, I just have to endure my pains.

You think Sweden is amazing (everything is relative I guess), we pay a lot of taxes, and still the health care is bad many times. I experienced before during my depression, and keep on experiencing it. You have to push yourself and pretty much scream for help, and then maybe someone might help you, give you a painkiller.

Not that the staff is bad, just that there are no resources when it comes to women's issues or mental illness. Feels like living in the 17th century. And I get so frustrated, mad and angry, sure I can endure it but what about those women who had miscarriage? what about those who have to worry their minds of or just livin with pain? Right now it looks like you have to have a health inssurance from your work to get some help within half a year.

When I lived in spain I never experienced this, sure, like every meds they are always fast with handing you pills, antibiotics, whatever they might think fits and gives you just a fast relief. But at least I got some help, even if its summer.

Right now I feel like I dont't want to support this system, give em my money, or have any contact at all, still we are so depended on it, and I can`t close my eyes for that. What I can do is just endure the pain and hope for a better future, even if it feels a bit hopeless.

I'm alright, but right now I just give a fuck. So tired, tired to be woman, tired to be shoven around. So I just don't give a fuck, at least that's what I'm tryin to tell myself.

Ease my mind

This weekend was all about ease my mind  and lick my wounds after my favorite cat got killed by some psycho cardriver. Still cursing that person, though she was young and probably in chock driving off with no sign of remorse. If she would have stopped and explained, or at least called the police I might forgive her. Though, still feeling like nothing matters, besides my also favorite mustach cat Billie.

So this weekend we went to Trästocks and found a lot of great upcoming bands like Pale honey and The hanged where the leadsinger has a history with the great band Those dancing days, which I actually saw performing at the club Razzmatazz in Barcelona 8 years ago.

My cat Bille cleaning herself frantically.

Pale Honey, Trästocks, 2018.

I was there. Those Dancing Days, 2010, Razzmatazz.

Song for hope

For me, my baby cat who got runned over recently. A bit happier music today then yesterday, but still in the mode that nothing really matters. I´m still a bit mad because it was so unnecessary, the girl who hit her saw that we saw, and just drove away, not even making a single damn call to the police about what happened. Anyways, this music video gives me just a little bit of hope and less bitterness, just what I need.

Crying my eyes out

This night my mother called me, many times, finally I answered and she told me one of my best friends, my cat baby have been runned over by a car. First I got mad because she was suppose to move to me and retire when the time was right, grow old in ma place. Though, she was always young in the sense she loved running chasing them rats and living at the edge. Probably she wanted me to remember her that way, instead of a old cat that barely runs, or lives fully for that matter. She is the mother to my cat Billie that lives with me right now so I woke up having Billie lying exactly as her mother used to, like a ball right next to my belly. I started crying and now I can't sleep. I start working in a couple of hours, but I can't hold myself. Day of sorrow and despair. We will bury her today with one of her favorite toys. First I cursed the driver to get hit by a car, and left by the road like my cat, now I guess nothing really matters because nothing will bring her back to me. Now I'm so sad, like a knife in my heart, and will always remember her when looking at Billie. The coolest and kindest lady cat Baby.

My secret garden

Been living at the same place for about 3 yrs and working with ma garden, and having this space is so important for me, to care about, to nourish. I rather be here then anywhere, so I became quite a homesick person, especially during the summer when everything is in bloom. Not that so much was blooming this year because of all the weed, but at least I managed to get it okay, after hours of work, and building a couch for lazy days.

2016-07-09 / Moved in a year ago, taking in anything I could find for free.

2018-07-09 / Still some more to do, but right now I can enjoy it.

Real girls, real music

I just discovered a new band HAIM and I'm so in love with their music, it's happy, energetic and deep, all at the same time. And the music resembles something of a mix between Michael Jackson and the 80's beat, with drums and some funk. And the best thing is that they looks just like any girl, and inspires me to one day actually do music of my own.

Never did that much besides writing some lyrics and singing, but I can't play any instrument because of my short sausage fingers. I tried learning to play the guitar, but not really commited, well, I was for a while, but I was learning too slow and got frustrated. I guess singing is my instrument, and writing is my tool.

If I would do music, I would do something inspired by HAIM, probably with some easy means, because that's the way I like it. The simple but also complex rhythms, that bring emotion right to your heart. If you see this clip you'll have to watch it til the end, when they are playing the drums and singing together.

Stepping out, stepping up

I always had mixed feelings about exposing your thoughts and ideas for everyone. Especially on facebook, and still is, and other social medias (because it feels like a cry for help, and sure, sometimes you need it), but here it's kind of for myself and for my friends, and of course everyone else who finds it interesting. I´m not really good at talking about feelings, but I´m getting better as I´m writing about it and getting my thoughts and ideas a bit clearer. Now you probably think, why you don't get a diary to write, tried that, but I always end up forgeting, and here I sometimes even get a sudden urge to write. And hopefully I will do something more about my writing since I'm now starting to get some appreciation for my writing, both at work and private. But I'm still far off, because everytime I get a bit of confidence I end up in my own thoughts, deppression, blocking every little emotion.

I'm still trying to find tools to handle it, but now I'm either to busy at work or at home with my projects, later on I'll probably end up in flames, not able to handle my emotions or thoughts (Ms. positive, I know, but I'm a realist). This is what happens every time. But every time I'm reflecting a bit more, getting a bit more wiser.

I had some professional help but never any ´real one´, because I never felt like doctors or psychologists really listen to me, more just giving medicine and quick fix. I did some theraphy but it wasn't to any help, sure I maybe got a bit more aware of my thoughts and emotions. But no really efficient tools so I still lock myself, even more when I'm tired and frustrated. Which I have been recently due to conflict at work, and lot of projects and a lot at work.

I'm just keeping my head above the water, not swimming, not having the flow I want to. Just trying to enjoy the few moments when I'm not tired, or irritated as a side effect of me stepping out my medicine and hopefully stepping up. But I'm insecure, but also rational, about it. Having doubts is just alright, having certain thoughts and emotions is alright. Just trying not to put them on people around me. But still I have to talk about it, with my friends, but not constantly.

Depression has been a part of me for a long time, and will probably be forever. I just have to work with it, use it, and I'm sure one day I'll manage it, with some real professional help. Even if I have to keep insisting to doctors, therapists and everyone else that I need more then meds. I need a steady ground that I can grow from, and I haven't had that since I was born. And there is no quickfix for that. Then I can step up, and bloom, or at least not getting so worn out.

Though, I feel so worned out right now, but it's okay, I'm holding up at least, few times I had crashed and burned, but then I'm just letting the emotions wash over me, and I keep going forward and moving boundaries. But also listening to my body and mind, not pushing myself too much, and having realistic expectations and goals. Taking two step forward, and maybe one back. I guess developing is never really in one straight line, it's messy, it's scary and frustrating.

On the outside

I've been having two hard weeks right now since I'm stepping out of my medicine, and I'm a emotional freak pretty much. But since I know the reason it's okay, but not for the people around me of course. And I don't wanna use it as a excuse more then to myself when I'm having some thoughts or feelings I can't rationalize. Maybe I should just lock myself up or something til it all cooled down? Or just hold everything for myself, instead of spreading everything around me like a emotional monster.

Guess I can control some part, but some I just can't. I shouldn't have to either, just to a limit that I'm managable for the people around me.

Always felt like I'm on the outside when I was younger, never a part of a special group of friends, going where ever I wish to and doing whatever I wanted to. Now I'm a little bit more observant, but still I'm missing those days of doing whatever and not carying to much about what people think. Then again I also remember that I wasn't so happy those days either. Because it often led to that people felt like they couldn't trust me, not being around since one day I could be in Sweden and other days somewhere else. Now I wanna build something more of a stable friendzone (some might call it network but I think it sounds too busi-ness) because I obviously need it, one safe point to go from and do whatever once in a while. Some friends to count on, and that can count on me.

Today it's looking more like that, and I'm also generally more happy. Because even if I met a lot of different people before, hanging out with various groups that opened doors to new ways of thinking, it was always hard to build a safe friendzone where I could find people to trust. Still, I always attract to the outside, where often interesting individuals hang out, the loners. Maybe because deep down inside I always felt like a loner, though, I think everyone is more or less depended on other people, even loners.

Before I thought being independed is the way to go, still do, but I also think you develop personally  in relations. Probably there are many ways of finding self awareness and personal development. Talking to diffrent kind of people but also going deep down inside of yourself, turning everything inside out. People around you can always open doors to new ways of thinking, but you are the only one who can really understand your own thoughts and feelings, sometimes with a bit of help of course.

Love now and then

It's amazing how your definition of love changes as you are getting older, before it was excitement, still is, but more comfort and secure, knowing where you have that person, and that they will stand by your side no matter what. Probably you can never know that but at least have a sense of it, because we as everything else in this world is changing and some times relationships can't keep up.

However, even though your definition is changing, the memories of being high of love are still there constantly reminding you that this is how love should feel. But I know every love is different, every love has it's bitterness and sweetness, like a real good margarita. Yupp, I've been listening to some love music this morning, and drinking margaritas to cool myself (not this morning though), that is why I'm so bleedy, but probably also because of the hot weather. I'm even dreaming about kitties, puppies and everything that's tiny and cute, probably dreams about having my own babies some day. Though, I'd never thought I will be a mum, just because of my downs and falls, but I guess I would manage it. And hey, everyone got their faults, you just don't have to let them define you, because everyone can be so much more, and everyone can change, if they want to.

Save yourself

Okay, I´m as you might understand on my way up, but it´s a long and rocky road, where I bump in to old feelings and new that have emerged. My focus was to go down the road learning by my ways of being, but having a depression makes you forget so it's not so easy. However, thoughts keep coming back as I revive certain moments, guess that's is how it works, our automatic thoughts. But I always try to sort which ones are old feelings, and new feelings, what is true and not true, and it´s never really that easy. Life is not black and white, but to just give myself a hint which thoughts I can be aware of and hopefully to save myself and kill them slowly as I replace them with other ones, or just learn how to live by them. And not just thoughts, but behaviour, memories and everything around.

Before I tried to excuse them, these days I´m probably overanalyzing them. Why do I do this? Why do I have these thoughts? and as a result of that, what are my feelings about it? But as a person I´m quite spontaneous and sometimes I don´t understand my behaviour, which is fine sometimes. But sometimes I get scared because I even hadn't realized what I did or how I hurt people by my behaviour. But then I always think that there usually need to be two people to have a conflict, and that I´m not alone and responsible for the conflict. This is my ways of saving myself, but also people around me, to not see as everything is mine or their fault. And to forgive what has been.

People are very centralized and have it easy not just to shove their problems on other people but also on themself, taking everything personal. As if we are responsible to save the world? Save yourself. Some things we can affect, some not, so we have to accept our limitations and there by let the frustrations go of what we can not change even if we wanted to.

Save yourself by Birdy. I always understand my feelings better by music. That is how I remember, how I process, and get by.