Sleepless in Umeå

Many years ago I was sleepless in Barcelona but it didn't really matter cause it was so accepted to take a nap. Here in Umeå you are suppose to work your 8 h shift, come home, go do your excercise or whatever til it's bedtime. I can´t do that, without a nap during the day. Now when I´m older I´m even more depended on feeling fully rested, and if I don´t I go into a depression. That´s common, starting with bad sleeping habits.

I´ve been trying a lot of things, not exercising less then three hours before sleep, reading instead of watching TV or smartphone. Keeping my routines, always going to sleep about 10 oclock and waking up at the same time. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn´t.

Last night I watched a interesting documentary about sleeping habits with working shifts. Working shift, and at night actually reduces your abilitity to regulate bloodsugar and increases the risk for diabetes. They did many scientific experiments where they induced glucose in nightshift worker when they were working night and not fully rested, and when they were off and fully rested. It showed that when they were fully rested it took a lot less time for the body to manage the glucose then when they had been working night. Because when you work night you usually only sleep 6 h effective time.

You are also suppose to reduce your time in bed, this means instead of lying in the bed trying to fall asleep for hours you should get up and wait til you feel sleepy, the same in the morning. And always keeping a track of your routines, always waking up the same time in the morning. No matter how late you go to sleep, instead of hunting hours of sleep because it creates a inner stress.

It was also bringing up a lot about sleeping pills, that it gives a synthetic sleep that helps in shortterm whilest congnitive theraphy was helping more in the long run. Kind of the same when it comes to depression, medicine helps in short term, but if you wanna live a life without medication you have to work your problems in other ways.

This documentary was mostly interesting about the sleep and it´s relation to depression, how insomnia usually escalate to depression and other pains and how you can handle it. Because insomnia is something many middle age women suffer from, working their problems through during the night, keeping them up all night.

So gonna keep my routines, exercise and have one hour of relaxation before going to sleep. It´s not easy, especially when it´s dark most time of the year here, but I can always try.

What else is there?

Note: This is dark me so if you are in a great place today read it some other day, when you feel lost or down. Not that I'm in that place today, but it still pops up when I least expect it.

"What else is there" by Royksopp I listened a lot to when I just got back from Barcelona, and it felt like every streetlight in Umeå was crumbling inside shedding some few lights over everything, like there was no sympathy, that Umeå though it´s gorgeous surroundings was a cold enviroment. No one really said thanks or could forgive easily, or just lifting their gaze to people around them. Thinking one step further.

Old friends had moved on and had no interest, or small interest to hang out and just had you for a while to throw you away in a while, after you given everything trying to build up the relationsships again. After a while nothing really mattered, I realized, because I was happy to have my family and sisters to hang out with til I found myself back to a nice crew to hang out with again.

Quite lifechanging, because you think you´ll get back and things will be the same, not the same, a bit different, but that some of you´re friends were true. They were in it for some fun, just like em boys, and leave. You thought friends will stick around, but it´s just as any elusive love when you were young, sticky and demanding. Sure, there were some that still sticked around, but I was so filled of disappointment I couldn´t really take anything in besides the beautiful surroundings in Umeå.

Still missing some of those friends, though they left me, probably for some good reasons, and I´m today okay with it. There are other things that are bothering my mind that is triggered by this song right now, more about our planet, how we harvest what we think we own and is a right for us, like imbeciles. I'm trying my best in my daily life, guess that´s is just enough. And I can go home and feel satisfied at least for my actions, though I did many bad ones once.

Lighthouses in Gotland

I learned so much about em lighthouses, in Gotland. It was so fascinating hearing about stories about them and the people who used to live there, and their lifes in such a isolated place. I mean, I also felt isolated in the way that there were no signal, and no way to get in touch with the outer world. And to be so connected with the outer world, and not being able to be conncted was a real frustration. After a while a started questioning my frustration, and finally I forgot about it, how can you not with these amazing views? Guess its all about adapting.

The lighthouses we visited was the one in southern Gotland in Hoburg, and the one at Stora Karls ö. Now every time I see a flickering light in the night that reminds me about a lighthouse I wonder which one it is because every one has their certain light signal, everyone has their own history, of harsh work in isolated places, their own communities. Most of them are now electrified, and some are out of use because of GPS (though they dont work since there are places with no signal, like in Gotland). Lets hope the ones who still stand will show their light for many more years, reminding of the past and guidning us in our paths.

Countryroad take us home. Djupvik, Gotland, 2018-08-01.

 Lighthouse, Hoburg, 2018-08-02.

Lighthouse, Stora Karls ö, Gotland, 2018-08-04.

Me tryin for a kiss in the sunset, Djupvik, 2018-08-01.

Feels like 17th century

Had my first week of vacation, but instead of enjoying it I had the worst pains ever in my stomach and heavy bleeding, feeling sick to my stomach.

Still have stomach pains and since there are pretty much no staff in the health care no one could really help me, I just have to endure my pains.

You think Sweden is amazing (everything is relative I guess), we pay a lot of taxes, and still the health care is bad many times. I experienced before during my depression, and keep on experiencing it. You have to push yourself and pretty much scream for help, and then maybe someone might help you, give you a painkiller.

Not that the staff is bad, just that there are no resources when it comes to women's issues or mental illness. Feels like living in the 17th century. And I get so frustrated, mad and angry, sure I can endure it but what about those women who had miscarriage? what about those who have to worry their minds of or just livin with pain? Right now it looks like you have to have a health inssurance from your work to get some help within half a year.

When I lived in spain I never experienced this, sure, like every meds they are always fast with handing you pills, antibiotics, whatever they might think fits and gives you just a fast relief. But at least I got some help, even if its summer.

Right now I feel like I dont't want to support this system, give em my money, or have any contact at all, still we are so depended on it, and I can`t close my eyes for that. What I can do is just endure the pain and hope for a better future, even if it feels a bit hopeless.

I'm alright, but right now I just give a fuck. So tired, tired to be woman, tired to be shoven around. So I just don't give a fuck, at least that's what I'm tryin to tell myself.

Ease my mind

This weekend was all about ease my mind  and lick my wounds after my favorite cat got killed by some psycho cardriver. Still cursing that person, though she was young and probably in chock driving off with no sign of remorse. If she would have stopped and explained, or at least called the police I might forgive her. Though, still feeling like nothing matters, besides my also favorite mustach cat Billie.

So this weekend we went to Trästocks and found a lot of great upcoming bands like Pale honey and The hanged where the leadsinger has a history with the great band Those dancing days, which I actually saw performing at the club Razzmatazz in Barcelona 8 years ago.

My cat Bille cleaning herself frantically.

Pale Honey, Trästocks, 2018.

I was there. Those Dancing Days, 2010, Razzmatazz.

Song for hope

For me, my baby cat who got runned over recently. A bit happier music today then yesterday, but still in the mode that nothing really matters. I´m still a bit mad because it was so unnecessary, the girl who hit her saw that we saw, and just drove away, not even making a single damn call to the police about what happened. Anyways, this music video gives me just a little bit of hope and less bitterness, just what I need.

Crying my eyes out

This night my mother called me, many times, finally I answered and she told me one of my best friends, my cat baby have been runned over by a car. First I got mad because she was suppose to move to me and retire when the time was right, grow old in ma place. Though, she was always young in the sense she loved running chasing them rats and living at the edge. Probably she wanted me to remember her that way, instead of a old cat that barely runs, or lives fully for that matter. She is the mother to my cat Billie that lives with me right now so I woke up having Billie lying exactly as her mother used to, like a ball right next to my belly. I started crying and now I can't sleep. I start working in a couple of hours, but I can't hold myself. Day of sorrow and despair. We will bury her today with one of her favorite toys. First I cursed the driver to get hit by a car, and left by the road like my cat, now I guess nothing really matters because nothing will bring her back to me. Now I'm so sad, like a knife in my heart, and will always remember her when looking at Billie. The coolest and kindest lady cat Baby.