Dreaming away

To be continued from "Sacrificing everything for love"

I’m a dreamer, what can I say. So I stayed dreaming about my ex-boyfriend and true love for quite a while. After a while I got alone, and bitter. Those two; alone and bitter don’t necessarily have to go along with each other. I like being alone but at this point it felt like I was missing something, guess I´m a sucker for love after all. But this whole chemical reaction also changes, and every time you fall in love it will be different. This is why it´s not good to hang up yourself on one special person. That´s why I always gave my friends the tip to always go and find yourself a re-bouncer and don't get stuck in the old ways, meet some new cool and interesting people, and see different places. But soon you also need to get comfortable to just be with yourself, because that is where you probably gonna end up at some point in your life.

So, I’ve spended many years dreaming about my ex, that he will one day show up and suprise me, ask me to marry him and maybe one day have kids together. At first, I thought it was dreams that might come true, in the end I found it to be a curse and I was joking to my friends that someone probably cursed me to keep on dreaming about my ex-boyfriend. Because I was dreaming about him pretty much every single night, and I was exhausted, my mind couldn’t bare it anymore.

I decided to do something else for myself, try moving somewhere else and follow up my advice I always give to my friends to see new places and meet different faces. I moved to Norway for a short while, but it was just like traveling back in time to my years in Barcelona. Now I felt even more stuck in time, or going back in time, but sometimes maybe you need to take some steps back in order to take some steps forward. But I was in a sensitive moment, trying to find my own way by living other people’s way. And my ex was still in the back of my head, and it felt like I could barely move, even if I was moving in real life, I was stuck.

It didn’t matter wherever I moved I was still gonna keep on dreaming about him showing up one day. More than bitter, I got mad. I thought love was for fools, and silly people. I tried to laugh at it, escape it, but it hunted me down. Still, I felt like something was missing in my life, I wasn’t complete and I thought I'll probably would never be. That I've done some really bad shit, treating people bad and that I don't deserve to be loved. Hard words, hard truth. But hearing two of my best friends confirming these words had a breaking impact on me. I thought I was nothing good, nothing but a bully and I was licking my wounds and feeling pitty for myself.