Pity, pretty me

Today it’s raining and it reminds me about that day when one of my best friends breaks her truth to me and says I’m nothing but a bully. The rain was pouring down and no words could come to my mind at that point. I was trembling and I didn’t know if the cold I was feeling was from the rain or my friend’s words, probably both. I was blubbering like if I was under water and I could say nothing to my defense. What she said had been true, but the truth was different today, I’ve changed. Or at least I’m trying to change, that’s the least I can do.

This breakup was bad because my friend told me she can understand why my last best friend had enough with me. And all the old memories came back to me, at least those I had left. Because when I lost my first best friend I did nothing but partying and I was in a dark place where the drink was my only comfort. I felt like I was standing on a cliff, and the only way to go was down. I was feeling more than pity, hate for myself. For a while I thought these friends probably was feeling bad, and only tried to bring me down, which was one part of the truth. But the other part was that they were true, the only thing is that they’ve been holding on to it way too long. All the time we spent together was flashing me by, and I figured this was worse than any breakup I’ve ever had. I never had experienced breakups with friends, this was the first time.

Two of my close friends didn’t want anything to do with me, and I was doing everything in my power to grasp onto the little we had. Both friends I made during two interruptive periods of my life and I had been taking more than giving. But now I was standing here ready more than ever to give it back, the only thing was that I was too late. I was going over my life over and over, and once again I got stuck. The person I was so sure to be, I didn’t know if I was ever going to be that person. How was I ever going to find forgiveness if they didn’t want to give me, and if I barely couldn’t remember what I did. I was more than cold, I was lost in a ocean of hate.