I just wanna dream

and get free. Listened to this song today.



Makes me think about the time when I just got back from Mexico and Spain and felt completely lost, and do so a bit less right now, but it's just because I´m getting comfortable with my way of being (guess that comes with age since I´m 30 now). And it reminds me about a certain feeling, about to have the courage to keep on dreaming and working towards your dreams. And in that way get free, and not worry too much about what other people think about what your doing.

Not exactly what I´m doing it right now, probably did it more when I was younger, dreaming about being a writer and journalist. A path I never really followed through because I never really believed in myself in that aspect. Every time I start to believe just a little bit I get hit down either by depression or other people's thoughts. And the way of getting back from that or depression is even harder then actually having a depression for me. Especially when it hits you every winter, and it takes you months to get back to yourself. The thing is when you start feeling like yourself, it's like your life has been on pause and everyone else has continued building knots of contacts, relationships, projects, like a spiderweb. But mine is never really holding myself, I just take shortcuts jumping over certain things that are normally important in my life, like love, family, values and projects.

I need to accept depression as a part of myself and not struggle against it every time and use it to do well, but every time I'm heading that way looking for help I'm too busy feeling like my old self again and happy. This is how it's been probably every since I was 25, like I'm taking two steps forward and then one back. Before I could be so mad at myself, why do I keep falling back? But then I realize that I'm not falling back, I'm doing small changes, better then none changes. But I'm not very patient, and I get frustrated and I don´t follow through. That is also what happends with my projects. I´m aware but I don´t know what tools to use to get by, because I never had anyone helping me fully. I just been trying different methods, talking to someone, talking to my friends, acceptance and commitment therapy on distance (it's pretty much impossible to get it in person here in Sweden since there are no resources for it).

Sure, for a while I got exhausted from trying and trying, but I guess that is what you gotta keep on doing. But it's just that I'm having a hard time when I'm happy to see different perspectives of my well-being, especially all by myself. I also have a hard time to remember, and that I know is a fault of the depression. It's like my brain feels more and more spongy, and not in that way when your where young and you where like a spunge for everything. Probably better described as mushy and with the age it doesn't get better more then that you get more patient and do things a bit slower to do them right. You accept yourself more and more.

Yes, people have been asking how I´m doing, this is probably the best way of me explaining, for them and for myself. To keep track of my thoughts, because or else they go in like 110 km/hour.