Spinning in ma head

CH 1) Spinning in ma head

I have always embraced life since I was little, sometimes more and sometimes less. Though, there were some moments I didn´t wanna live anymore. When I felt I just wanted to jump out of the window and hope for a stone to crack my head fast. I was cracked anyways, and I had so little to compare with since I was only 10 yrs old. How could I in these moments think about all the fun times with my family? Mhm, lovely memories, there were few but everything came to fall apart just as quickly.

This is kind of how life works -you build, you build, you fall, you fall. Next time maybe you get a step further but you don´t really notice because of everything else. For a while I even liked feeling melancholic, can even do so today but sometimes I need a break. Or else it eats me up right inside. Especially these days when you see how happy everyone else is on instagram, facebook, everywhere. But believe me, most of us fall apart. That is how we evolve, get stronger and can face obstacles. Sometimes it feels like you are jumping everywhere trying to avoid ditches, or like the time stands still. Then it hits you really hard because it goes so fast. I wonder if this is how my mum has felt when she went in and out from the hospital. Tick, from the hospital, tock, to the job, tick, back to reality, tock. But a lot more intensive. I´ve always wondered how her world looks like when she is not herself.

Mine is more grey, everything feels boring, and people hard to handle. I have experienced to long harsh depression, during winter, the darkest time of the year, when everything stands still in my head at day, and my thoughts are spinning during the night. However, my time with my cat always felt like a safe spot, warm, and like the home I walways wished for when I was young. Often I wrote that my cat was my only friend. In that moment I probably felt so since my dad was busy with my mum and my sister were everywhere in the world. The music helped a bit, it´s like a timemachine and can bring me back to old memories and just like that, bring me back. Though, there are many that doesn´t listen to music (never really understood how it´s possible), or has any interest at all to hide themself in. Or just lost them in the way, I´ve experience that since you don´t always have the energy to keep up.

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Dunno if I wanna keep up writing about this here, we´ll see.