Lost memories

This is just a draft for a book I´m still gathering a lot of energy to write. It´s some of the most darkest moments in my life. This is just the intro, and i´t doesn´t give away so much. It just give a glimpse of what I´ve been looking for, in lost memories. It´s written in swedish though, thought I need to practice my swedish, and everything becomes more real since it´s my origin.

I don´t have many memories about my mother, mostly about my father, but not very much at all from my childhood, maybe I´ve partyed away most of them. I´ve tried to leave no stone unturned, tie every knot together but everytime there are loose ends. Lost memories that I´ve never really understood, not much today either. Why did she do so? Why did they do so? Why no one wants to help?

I was angry for a long time, angry because mental illness was every where I turned. Angry at my mother, angry at my father, my siblings, my whole family, even the society. After a while I started realizing that it was something that is amongst us and it´s something I can´t avoid or choose not to be a part of. Then I need to avoid myself, my feelings and my whole youth. I would throw everything at sea, and start over. But it´s not possible, because it´s still there and it hurts, and it´s a part of me. Then I need to throw myself to the sea, and hope that I will sink to the bottom, because I´m tired of floating around in insecureness, not having anyone to share with.

For a long time I´ve been wanting to write this to you. It´s not a goodbye letter, it´s a embracing letter for you whom never really got everything straighten out. For you who stand up for the week, who tries to understand, even though it´s hard when everything comes around. Especially when you are small or just feel small in this world. I did that for a long time, when I was mad about pretty much everything around me. When I could feel no joy about things that normally feels like a bless, music, family and friends.

Now I´m having a rest, underneath these heavy stone which I´ve been carrying. I´m not asking for anyone to understand, all I´m asking for is forgiveness. Because that is what I think is missing right now in this cold place. I´m asking to be relased, to find a sancuarity within me.

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