Seeking comfort in other people

For someone who doesn’t know how it is to seek comfort in other people, it’s looking for approval by everyone around you. It’s an insecureness that will drive you crazy in the end, and not in the good way. I had a hard time being by myself and I finally learned to be by myself and enjoy life just as it is, with no one around me there to confirm that life is all good, and there is nothing to really worry about. I was worried all the time, about what people thinks about me, at the same time I wanted to keep up a picture of a strong and independent girl. Having this split personality drives you crazy, because you have now deep sense of self awareness, I guess it’s hard when you are young and not sure of who you wanna be and what you wanna do or even who you are. I never felt like I fit anywhere, I guess that’s a common feeling for young people. I always hanged out with all different kind of people, and today I’m happy for that. Not that I ever had many true friends, more loose relations, with family and friends, not really saying what is going on in my head, but putting those ideas and thoughts into words it’s one of the hardest things, especially when you feeling like you are falling apart every now and later on pick up the pieces of yourself, the few fragments of you that still exist.

After having my first period I found myself having my first boyfriend by the age of 13, I was too young and naive and thought I was breaking boundaries by having older boyfriends who introduced me to the partylife. I was probably 13 when I had my first drink and smoke, didn’t care that much for it but as with everything you gotta learn to like some things in life. I learned, and all sudden I was loving it more than ever. Having fun was what made me feel complete, going on my bicycle to parties and listening to music, having my own pre party with a cigarette hanging in my mouth and a beer in my hand. Yes, I was a multitasker already by then. My friend tagged along to any of my adventures because there were not many other things to do for a young girl in my hometown, I thought.

After going to some parties I realized I was quite a beautiful and likeable girl, for them guys and more detested by younger girls. Mostly because I was loud and speaking quite freely and getting a lot of attention from guys. I was unafraid but at the same time so dark in my soul and never thought that my free way of being actually can hurt people. I learned by now to put a filter on, though I hate it but sometimes it’s smarter than to give yourself away directly and open your mind with everyone you meet on your way. Even if I was loud, I was not the one speaking about what really went down til I finally broke into pieces. I had some friends who helped me picking up the pieces, and I guess they got tired of it in the long run, I would. But hey, what are friends not for!?

I remember meeting my friends late in the night, crying my soul out because of some youngster. Just wanting to be likeable by everyone. That was the only way I could feel safe. And when I didn’t feel safe I felt desperate, grabbing on to anyone who would hold me and comfort me. You might think that it should be your parents role, but I never had that relationship with any stable adult, I still don’t. My parents on the other hand trusted me and let me run free, and it could have gone in any way. I thought I was never to experience my 30s birthday, and now it’s only half a year til I reach my golden age. I don’t wanna go back, but at the same time I guess I do since I’m writing about it right now.

To be continued..