On the outside

I've been having two hard weeks right now since I'm stepping out of my medicine, and I'm a emotional freak pretty much. But since I know the reason it's okay, but not for the people around me of course. And I don't wanna use it as a excuse more then to myself when I'm having some thoughts or feelings I can't rationalize. Maybe I should just lock myself up or something til it all cooled down? Or just hold everything for myself, instead of spreading everything around me like a emotional monster.

Guess I can control some part, but some I just can't. I shouldn't have to either, just to a limit that I'm managable for the people around me.

Always felt like I'm on the outside when I was younger, never a part of a special group of friends, going where ever I wish to and doing whatever I wanted to. Now I'm a little bit more observant, but still I'm missing those days of doing whatever and not carying to much about what people think. Then again I also remember that I wasn't so happy those days either. Because it often led to that people felt like they couldn't trust me, not being around since one day I could be in Sweden and other days somewhere else. Now I wanna build something more of a stable friendzone (some might call it network but I think it sounds too busi-ness) because I obviously need it, one safe point to go from and do whatever once in a while. Some friends to count on, and that can count on me.

Today it's looking more like that, and I'm also generally more happy. Because even if I met a lot of different people before, hanging out with various groups that opened doors to new ways of thinking, it was always hard to build a safe friendzone where I could find people to trust. Still, I always attract to the outside, where often interesting individuals hang out, the loners. Maybe because deep down inside I always felt like a loner, though, I think everyone is more or less depended on other people, even loners.

Before I thought being independed is the way to go, still do, but I also think you develop personally  in relations. Probably there are many ways of finding self awareness and personal development. Talking to diffrent kind of people but also going deep down inside of yourself, turning everything inside out. People around you can always open doors to new ways of thinking, but you are the only one who can really understand your own thoughts and feelings, sometimes with a bit of help of course.