Stepping out, stepping up

I always had mixed feelings about exposing your thoughts and ideas for everyone. Especially on facebook, and still is, and other social medias (because it feels like a cry for help, and sure, sometimes you need it), but here it's kind of for myself and for my friends, and of course everyone else who finds it interesting. I´m not really good at talking about feelings, but I´m getting better as I´m writing about it and getting my thoughts and ideas a bit clearer. Now you probably think, why you don't get a diary to write, tried that, but I always end up forgeting, and here I sometimes even get a sudden urge to write. And hopefully I will do something more about my writing since I'm now starting to get some appreciation for my writing, both at work and private. But I'm still far off, because everytime I get a bit of confidence I end up in my own thoughts, deppression, blocking every little emotion.

I'm still trying to find tools to handle it, but now I'm either to busy at work or at home with my projects, later on I'll probably end up in flames, not able to handle my emotions or thoughts (Ms. positive, I know, but I'm a realist). This is what happens every time. But every time I'm reflecting a bit more, getting a bit more wiser.

I had some professional help but never any ´real one´, because I never felt like doctors or psychologists really listen to me, more just giving medicine and quick fix. I did some theraphy but it wasn't to any help, sure I maybe got a bit more aware of my thoughts and emotions. But no really efficient tools so I still lock myself, even more when I'm tired and frustrated. Which I have been recently due to conflict at work, and lot of projects and a lot at work.

I'm just keeping my head above the water, not swimming, not having the flow I want to. Just trying to enjoy the few moments when I'm not tired, or irritated as a side effect of me stepping out my medicine and hopefully stepping up. But I'm insecure, but also rational, about it. Having doubts is just alright, having certain thoughts and emotions is alright. Just trying not to put them on people around me. But still I have to talk about it, with my friends, but not constantly.

Depression has been a part of me for a long time, and will probably be forever. I just have to work with it, use it, and I'm sure one day I'll manage it, with some real professional help. Even if I have to keep insisting to doctors, therapists and everyone else that I need more then meds. I need a steady ground that I can grow from, and I haven't had that since I was born. And there is no quickfix for that. Then I can step up, and bloom, or at least not getting so worn out.

Though, I feel so worned out right now, but it's okay, I'm holding up at least, few times I had crashed and burned, but then I'm just letting the emotions wash over me, and I keep going forward and moving boundaries. But also listening to my body and mind, not pushing myself too much, and having realistic expectations and goals. Taking two step forward, and maybe one back. I guess developing is never really in one straight line, it's messy, it's scary and frustrating.